“I abandon myself.”

This is a statement many clients silently recognize in therapy; the awareness that they’ve consistently prioritized others’ needs at the expense of their own emotional, psychological, and even physical wellbeing.

At VOX Mental Health, our therapists frequently work with clients who have developed self-abandonment patterns. These patterns are typically adaptive responses to attachment trauma, often learned in childhood to maintain safety and connection. Research demonstrates that early relational experiences shape both the developing brain and the relational strategies individuals carry into adulthood (Siegel, 2012).

What Is Self-Abandonment?

Self-abandonment is the chronic neglect of your own needs, values, and emotions in order to maintain relationships, avoid conflict, or prevent rejection.

Neurologically, repeated suppression of authentic needs activates the stress response system, increasing cortisol levels and promoting patterns of hypervigilance, anxiety, and emotional dysregulation (Coan & Sbarra, 2015). Over time, self-abandonment can erode self-trust, contribute to burnout, and increase susceptibility to depressive and anxious disorders.

The Attachment Connection

Attachment theory provides a framework for understanding why self-abandonment develops. Individuals with anxious or disorganized attachment styles often experienced inconsistent caregiving, conditional love, or emotional neglect during childhood (Ainsworth, 1989; Main & Solomon, 1990).

For these individuals, self-abandonment becomes an adaptive relational strategy:

“If I am compliant, quiet, or pleasing, I am more likely to be loved and kept safe.”

Neuroscientific research suggests that chronic suppression of one’s own needs can alter prefrontal-limbic regulation, reducing emotional resilience and reinforcing patterns of people-pleasing and hypervigilance in adult relationships (Schore, 2012).

Common Signs of Self-Abandonment

Self-abandonment often manifests in adulthood as:

• People-pleasing or over-functioning: prioritizing others’ comfort over your own wellbeing
• Difficulty setting boundaries: avoiding “no” to prevent relational conflict
• Hiding emotions or opinions: suppressing authentic responses to avoid disapproval
• Chronic resentment or invisibility: feeling unseen or undervalued despite efforts to connect
  

These behaviours, while adaptive in early attachment contexts, can maintain cycles of anxiety, relational stress, and lowered self-esteem.

How to Begin Healing

Evidence-based therapeutic approaches can help individuals reconnect with their authentic self and reduce self-abandonment:

• Internal Family Systems (IFS): explores the “parts” that learned to please or protect, fostering internal dialogue and self-compassion (Schwartz, 1995)
• Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT): targets emotion regulation and attachment repair to build secure interpersonal bonds (Greenberg, 2015)
• Attachment-Based Psychotherapy: addresses relational schemas and fosters secure attachment with self and others
  

Through these approaches, clients can:

• Recognize and validate the needs of their internal parts
• Identify fears underlying compliance or people-pleasing
• Practice relational and energetic boundaries
• Cultivate a secure attachment with themselves, reducing dependence on external validation
  

The Healing Invitation

Healing from self-abandonment is not about choosing between love and authenticity, it is about learning to hold both simultaneously. You are allowed to:

• Take up space
• Voice your needs
• Maintain connections while preserving your own integrity
  

Our Barrie-based therapists at VOX Mental Health are here to help you explore patterns of self-abandonment, rebuild self-trust, and create relational strategies rooted in compassion, authenticity, and evidence-based practice.

References:

Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1989). Attachments Beyond Infancy. American Psychologist, 44(4), 709–716. DOI: 10.1037/0003-066X.44.4.709

Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1990). Procedures for Identifying Infants as Disorganized/Disoriented During the Ainsworth Strange Situation. In M. T. Greenberg, D. Cicchetti, & E. M. Cummings (Eds.), Attachment in the Preschool Years: Theory, Research, and Intervention (pp. 121–160). University of Chicago Press.

Greenberg, L. S. (2015). Emotion-Focused Therapy: Coaching Clients to Work Through Their Feelings. American Psychological Association.

Schore, A. N. (2012). The Science of the Art of Psychotherapy. W. W. Norton & Company.

Schwartz, R. (1995). Internal Family Systems Therapy. The Guilford Press.

Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press. ISBN 978-1462503902.

Coan, J. A., & Sbarra, D. A. (2015). Social Baseline Theory: The Social Regulation of Risk and Effort. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 19(3), 106–113.